A Pitiful Case of the Pits!

Sometimes having lupus is the pits!! Lately I have been dealing with  sun-sensitivity, a horrible case of restlessness/agitation and daily bouts with insomnia.  I keep telling myself I have been through worse but it still hasn’t changed my mind about the fact that, sometimes having lupus is the pits.  I am very agitated  about being agitated, to sensitive for my sun-sensitivity and  to sleepy to do anything about it!!

Lately the sun and I have not been getting along.  Even a few minutes in the sun and I feel like I have a sun burn with horrible fatigue and joint pain.  I have always known about sun-sensitivity and lupus but I never had any problems until this year.  I think I am making up for lost time or something. The WRATH is upon me!! Most days I am held hostage in this house trying to duck and dodge any kind of sunlight, which adds to my frustration dealing with the restlessness and agitation because I am stuck in this house.

So now it is 10:00pm. I just finished pacing the hallway for the 10th time tonight. It is going to be a long night. Of course I am not sleepy. I am wide awake, restless, agitated with a sunburn that doesn’t exist. Yes, sometimes lupus is the pits!!

 

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R.I.P (The Death of a Friendship)

It is starting again. Me and my best friend are at an impasse right now.  It seems like all we do is fight. I have tried reasoning calmly but it seems that nothing is getting through. I miss the time we use to spend together. It hurts my heart that we can’t work this out. What do I have to do? I am tired of begging and pleading for some reciprocity.  It seems like I am always at the losing end.  I have been willing to do what ever it takes to improve our relationship. Am I the only one who cares?  Everyday I feel like I am being slapped in the face. I am totally being disrespected, yet I still have hope that we can work this out. Maybe we need to talk to someone.  Maybe they could be the mediator so that we can resolve our issues.  I’ve tried everything else so this has to work. If it doesn’t I don’t know what I will do.

If you are listening I love you too much to just let you go, but I am tired of you disrespecting me and not treating me the way I should.  I really hate to lose you as a friend but you are really making it hard for me. I can’t just keep this to myself. I need to talk to someone about this.  It is causing me to much stress. It’s time I get some professional help or I won’t be able to make it. You are driving me crazy! I don’t deserve this.  I have been nothing but a good friend to you.  The stress is beginning to be too much.  I hope we can come to some sort of compromise. Regardless of how things are right now I just want to say , SLEEP I love you and I miss my time with you. I hope I hear from you soon. Don’t let INSOMNIA get between us and tear us apart!

Love  your old friend,

Brandi  😦

“Here I Am”

Gospel’s Marvin Sapp talks wife’s death last year

news.yahoo.com

Even though Marvin Sapp has reached the pinnacle of success career wise, the gospel singer still wakes up with mixed emotions when reminiscing of his wife who died seven months ago.

 

Thank GOD for Malinda Sapp, and Thank GOD for Marvin.  I am sure it was the trials of dealing with a sick wife and all the feelings that go with it (THANK GOD FOR CAREGIVERS) that influenced his 8th album entitled “Here I Am”. 

While going through my MANY comments from my last two blogs, (Thank you everyone for all the comments and encouragement.) I came across Libi Brown who in regard to my “God Restores” blog said to me,

“Thank you so much 4 that cuz, I am over shedding tears of joy!! You have given me hope!!! People always say 2 use ur dark times as blessings 2 others & that is just what u have done, much luv & respect!!!!”

 

This is why I have to thank Marvin Sapp. It was his song  “Here I Am” off of his title track cd that has got me through many, many days. Sometimes I would play that song 8 times in one sitting until I could smile.  It forced me to take a look at all that God had brought me through. There was no reason for me to worry, cry or feel burden because “Here I am. I’m still standing”. He has brought me through for the past 11years. Why would he leave me now?!  Why would he let go of my hand now?! There is no way I can let the devil win now!! He held me up during chemotherapy, carried me when I was in my wheelchair for two years, he hand delivered my kidney for my kidney transplant, he healed my body from infection in 3 MONTHS when the doctor told me 6, and he walks with me now as I learn to get back on my feet. THANK YOU JESUS!  Thank you for being you.

You may be going through something now, and It may seem that God has forgotten about you. I am here tell you he has not! Just hold on to his promises and be HEALED!!

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain,
for the old order of things has passed away.” Rev. 21:4

 My son, give attention to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them depart from your sight; keep them in the midst of your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and health to all their whole body. Proverbs 4:20-22 NAS

 Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits–who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. Psalm 103:2-3 NIV

The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness. I said, “O Lord, have mercy on me; heal me, for I have sinned against you.” Psalm 41:3-4 NIV

O Lord my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.” Psalm 30:2 NIV

 He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.” Psalm 107:20 NAS

 I will never forget your commandments, for you have used them to restore my joy and health. Psalm 119:93 NLT

 Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for You are my praise. Jeremiah 17:14 NKJV

“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,” declares the Lord. Jeremiah 30:17 NIV

 “I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.” Jeremiah 33:6 NIV

 “If you will listen carefully to the voice of the Lord your God and do what is right in his sight, obeying his commands and laws, then I will not make you suffer the diseases I sent on the Egyptians; for I am the Lord who heals you.” Exodus 15:26 NLT

 “But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture.” Malachi 4:2 NLT

 
“Then your light shall break forth like the morning, your healing shall spring forth speedily, and your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.” Isaiah 58:8 NKJV

“The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.” Isaiah 58:11 NLT

“Lord, your discipline is good, for it leads to life and health. You have restored my health and have allowed me to live!” Isaiah 38:16 NLT

Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:4-5 NIV

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24 NIV

When evening came, many who were demon-possessed were brought to him, and he drove out the spirits with a word and healed all the sick. This was to fulfill what was spoken through the prophet Isaiah: “He took up our infirmities and carried our diseases.” Matthew 8:16-17 NIV

And as Jesus passed on from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out, and saying, “Have mercy on us, Son of David!” And after He had come into the house, the blind men came up to Him, and Jesus said to them, “Do you believe that I am able to do this?” They said to Him, “Yes, Lord.” Then He touched their eyes, saying, “Be it done to you according to your faith.” And their eyes were opened. Matthew 9:27-30 NAS

Suddenly, a man with leprosy approached Jesus. He knelt before him, worshiping. “Lord,” the man said, “if you want to, you can make me well again.” Jesus touched him. “I want to,” he said. “Be healed!” And instantly the leprosy disappeared. Matthew 8:2-3 NLT

“By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see.” Acts 3:16 NIV

“It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed.” Acts 4:10 NIV

Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. James 5:14-16 NIV

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in every way and [that your body] may keep well, even as [I know] your soul keeps well and prospers. 3 John 2 AMP

“The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life.” John 6:63 NIV

“He did it to teach you that people need more than bread for their life; real life comes by feeding on every word of the Lord.” Deuteronomy 8:3 NLT

May the God of peace Himself sanctify you through and through [separate you from profane things, make you pure and wholly consecrated to God]; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved sound and complete [and found] blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah). 1 Thessalonians 5:23 AMP

A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22 AMP

The strong spirit of a man sustains him in bodily pain or trouble, but a weak and broken spirit who can raise up or bear? Proverbs 18:14 AMP

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and their sorrows]. Psalm 147:3 AMP

 

Thank you Jesus for finding me strong enough and worthy enough to be your walking testimony!

Brandi (I am still standing 🙂

God Restores!!

Oct. 3, 2002

this is the first time i’m really writing about this. i’ve been putting it off for the past 2 years. not wanting to tackle it. not wanting to really dig into the the hardest and biggest battle of my life, living with lupus.

i remember when i first realized that something seriously was wrong with me. i remember the nervousness i felt as day after day past, and the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong with me. would i be ok? had i done something wrong, ate the wrong thing. that was the worst mind game anyone can play on you. i really can’t even explain how i felt, except that i was afraid, very afraid.

i was almost a relief to find out i had lupus. it was something i had heard of, yet i couldn’t really be prepared for how the “wolf”would change my life. how i would begin to lose part of myself, and make a new transition learning to live with this body that was rapidly manifesting itself as my new enemy.

the devil always seems to attack when things are going “well”. here i was at the end of my road at oakwood, close to finishing, planning my wedding and then i run into this brick wall. i mean i couldn’t even get out of the bed, couldn’t walk or fix my own dinner, take a shower without assistance. and the blow of all blows not only did i have lupus, but i also had kidney disease and would have to recieve agresseive chemotherapy.

i can’t explain how it felt to sit in that chair and watch those toxins flow into my body, knowing they are suppose to help me, but also fearing what it will do to me. the burning in my nose, burning in my veins, the dry itchy skin. i remember i cried the first time my hair fell out. it’s such such a slow depressing process . one day you look in the mirror and just don’t recognize yourself. who is this bloated face i have become accustomed to seeing everyday? whose swollen feet and tired weary body am i dragging around day to day. it happened all to fast for me to prepare for. i think it has done a number on my spirit. sometimes it just makes me real sad. other times i just become so angry i don’t know what to do. who do i blame? who do i vent to? then i must give in. the “wolf” always wins.

i hate him for taking me away, an leaving me with this sickly aging body. now i find out i have AVN. i live in constant pain. it’s to the point that i really don’t know what it feels like not to be in pain. do you know how that feels? how that can really mess with your mind. sometimes i wish that i could just go for a walk, sit outside and feel the sun on my face. feed the ducks at the pond or take a nice sabbath hike on a nature path. now it’s a chore to get up and go to the bathroom. do i really have to go that bad? it has robbed me of being the wife and mother that i want to be, dreamed i would be and has left me at times depending on a two year old to bring me water, or that book just a few feet from me because i’m in to much pain, or to tired to get it for myself. i want to take the boys outside and be able to ride bikes, play in the sand, throw a ball back and forth, and jump into a pile of leaves. i don’t want them to remember their childhood with a mother who was always to sick to do anything.

some days are harder than others. today is one of those days where i’m constantly reminded of all the things i can’t do. hating the bed for holding me captive today. hating my body for making today so painful. hating my pain medicine for not working. hating being inside this house on such a beautiful day. hating lupus and how it has stolen my joy today! some days it is just so hard to fight. to smile and fake it when my body is so much pain. not having anyone who can relate or understand what i’m going through right now. needing that someone here so i can talk to them.

it’s hard sometimes when i think about how these feelings may never go away. how i will always have this “wolf” on my shoulders. but thank GOD for squealy’s smile, elijah’s serenades, cornell’s hugs, and german chocolate cake.

Brandi Nichell Wingate Watts
Huntsville, AL

May, 27, 2009

As I read this old journal entry I started crying. Not because I could remember the lows of sickness but because I could see the power and love of a God almighty who looked down the road of my life and gave me just enough to hold on to so he could restore me. He has allowed me to be a testimony of his grace, mercy and healing power. These scars are a testament of his love for his child that didn’t always deserve it. Every day I get out of my bed without the assistance of a wheelchair or a walker. Some days I may be limping but I’m on my own two feet making it the best I can.

There are so many people that have told me that I, Brandi Nichell Wingate Watts was an inspiration to them due to this continuous fight dealing with my chronic illnesses, lupus and kidney disease. I have tried to help those who were trying to navigate through the system applying for disability then being told they were not sick enough to receive it and they were well enough to work. In what job I do not know. I’ve tried to pass on my knowledge of what works to soothe painful joints and what to do when it’s time to think about dialysis. I’m able to do this because others who were there for me. My grandmother prayed for me. My family and friends watched my children when I was hospitalized. There were those who visited me on those lonely sabbaths in the hospital and brought food even though it wasn’t part of my special diet. I think you for rides to and from doctors appointments and er visits. There were calls to encourage me just when I needed it most. Most of all their was a husband who did all he could for me. He held me when I couldn’t hold myself. He comforted me when my hair being to fall out and gave me a tight cut that i could rock with pride. He carried me back and forth to the bathroom, shower, bed, wheelchair, car. He took care of my children when I didn’t have energy to even hold them. He was there to hold me when I found out that I would have to go on dialysis. Even more important he was there to rejoice with me when I was blessed with the beginning of a new life when I received my kidney transplant. He is an inspiration to me. He has shown me unconditional love. To know that my father in heaven loves me oh so much more brings joy to my heart and he saw fit to give me a second chance at life. GOD RESTORES!!!

Proverbs 4:20-22

My child, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh.

(Psalms 6:2 NKJV)
Have mercy on me, O LORD, for I am weak; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

(Psalms 103:1-4 NKJV) Bless the LORD, O my soul; And all that is within me, bless His holy name! {2} Bless the LORD, O my soul, And forget not all His benefits: {3} Who forgives all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases, {4} Who redeems your life from destruction, Who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies,