“Jesus Take The Wheel!”

Yesterday, I posted on Facebook that lupus was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Many people didn’t understand how such a horrible disease could  be the best thing that could ever happen . Even my husband looked at me crazy after reading it. It was not a typo! It is absolutely the truth!!

Recently I was talking to a friend that has been in a valley for some time now.  I was sharing with her how GOD allowed me to reach the lowest point in my life so I would let go and totally depend on him. For many years he let me do things my way.  He allowed me to pray to him and ask him to fix problems in my life while not truly believing that he would do it. I had plan A & B covered, and GOD was my plan C. How many of us pray to GOD to fix certain things in our lives, yet we don’t believe that he can do it, so we try to do things our way? I know I have. Despite the many times that I mocked GOD in prayer, disrespected him and spit in his face while telling him what I was going to do, he still loved me. Even in my sin he still loved me! While I smiled and worshiped him in public, I denied him in my heart in private!! Yet, he loved me so much he used lupus to save my life!!

I have an issue with control. I love it and want more of it. I have an issue with trust. It is rarely given, and quickly can be snatched away. The Lord know’s I struggle with both of these. My issues with trust and control were hampering my relationship with him.  I had built my wall up so strong and high that I wasn’t even letting the Lord through it!! He not only broke my walls down, he bulldozed that baby!! He took ALL control from me. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom by myself. I had to depend on strangers to clean me up afterwards. I had to trust that they  would take care of me. My most intimate moments, and basic private human functions had to be attended to by others. There was absolutely nothing under my control. I was flat on my back, and couldn’t do anything but look up.  That is where I found GOD’s love.

Why did it take lupus for me to learn my lesson? Why couldn’t I just surrender all on my own?  I would have saved myself so much time, heartache and pain if I would have let it all go and believe GOD would take care of me. Would I be the person I am today.?Here I am with a chronic disease that has no cure. If I worry or become stressed about anything, I will have a flare up. I live with chronic pain everyday for the past 14 years. There are days I can barely get out of the bed. This has forced me to learn  how  to ask for help. I can’t even  attempt to try to do it all; my body won’t allow me to!

Wow! What a crazy faith walk it has been over the past 14 years. I have seen the Lord perform so many miracles in my life. Things have not come together by luck or happenstance. It was the hand of GOD moving in my life. I have been in the hospital room when the doctors come in,with their faces drawn trying to explain to me that my  tests, and kidney function isn’t looking to good, then come back a few days later to be told that my kidney prognosis is great!! I have seen how the Lord helped the doctors to diagnosis me with lupus within 2 weeks while many other lupies take years and years to get a diagnosis. I have seen the Lord move when I got pregnant after the doctor told me I would never be able to have children due to the chemo making me infertile. I have seen the Lord shut down the words of the first obstetrician I went to when he told me that I would be horribly sick during my pregnancy and my son, if he survived, would be the sickest baby in the nursery. He told me to get an abortion. He then told me I was young and could have more children later. Eight months later, my son was born premature, but with absolutely no health issues!! While pregnant I was the healthiest I had ever been. My kidneys even healed themselves despite having to do the work for two!!  These and many more miracles have truly strengthen my faith. I know longer worry about what tomorrow brings, because I know GOD has already taken care of it.  I checked my account this morning and  my balance will not cover the rest of my bills for the month, but I am not worried at all. Our car is broken down right now, but I am not worried one bit!! He has promised me he would supply all my needs, and he hasn’t failed me yet!

I don’t know GOD’s plans for my future. I don’t know if it is his will to be totally healed, or if this will just be something I have to live with for the rest of my life.  2 Corinthians 12:8-9 says,

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

It wasn’t until I lost all control that I was able to experience GOD’s mighty power! Yes it is sometimes a rough road to travel,  and some days are hard to endure. Yes, frustration exists, and many tears are shed, but I will continue to give him the praise regardless of what may come my way!!!   Through it all, lupus ABSOLUTELY was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am a walking testimony!! GOD’s GRACE IS SUFFICIENT!!!

Brandi 🙂

 

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“How Deep The Father’s Love For Us”

I was talking to a friend not to long ago about my living with lupus, and the subsequent complications due to lupus. Growing up I had a plan for my life. I knew I was going to go to college one day. I planned to become an english teacher, and a part-time journalist.  I would get married  to a wonderful man, have 2 children, a girl named Lillian and a boy named Brandon,  travel the world and retire on some fabulous beachfront property where I would spend my days surrounded by all things that I love. None of my plans involved lupus, however the Lord had other plans for me.

I never planned to end up in Huntsville, Al. I am a Cali girl, from Riverside Ca, and I wanted to attend a state school. I knew that my family would not be able to pay for my education.  Oakwood College  ( now University) was an option, but not necessarily the highest on my list of possible college’s. Oakwood is a small  historically black Seventh Day Adventist school in Alabama. However, regardless of my plans, in the late summer of 1996 I was packed and ready to go to Huntsville.  I would have never imagined what the Lord would allow me to go through.  If I had known I would have run far away from Huntsville and Oakwood, and been unable to handle what the trials he would allow me to go through to save my life.

I grew up in the church. My mom became a Seventh Day Adventist when I was 3 or 4.  I can’t remember exactly when, but I remember her receiveng bible studies in our living room. I remember their was an evangelistic tent effort that happened to be right next door to our home, and I can still hear the sound of the preaching through our windows at night.  Once my mom joined the church, she became very active.  We practically lived at church! I knew right from wrong. I knew bible verses, and could sing all the favorite hymns. I was baptized in my tweens, and thought I knew who GOD was.  The thing is I knew who GOD was, but I didn’t really KNOW him.  I had heard what he had done in the bible, but I couldn’t say I could see what he had done in my everyday life, or those around me.  Even though I “knew” him, I never saw his hand on my life, and how his only plan was to save my life, so he could save my soul.

Fast forward to my senior year of high school. I could have stayed home, and attended a school in the city, but for some reason I was not aware of, I boarded that plan that August of 1996 to a place I wasn’t sure about, and really didn’t have plans to be.  I was traveling far from home, to a place that would become my new home; the place that would prepare me for his show of power in my life.  The “Oakwood Experience” isn’t anything that can really be put into words. It is more than the music or the history.  It is a community of believers that become like family.  It was here that I began to “know” who GOD was.  I craved to see him work in my life.  I have many testimonies of how he provided a way when there wasn’t any.  There were times I would get calls to show up for pictures for scholarship winners. I was too  afraid to ask to many questions in fear they would think they had the wrong person. One time I did ask another recipent and was told they all applied for their scholarships in the financial aid office. I knew I had not been to the financial aid office to apply for any type of scholarship! Actually out of all the scholarships I received I NEVER applied for them.  I wasn’t a super fantastic student. I surely wasn’t one they would hand out scholarships to without me applying first. Many times I would be told that I needed to go home because I didn’t have money to clear.  I knew that was not an option. I didn’t have any money to get home, so I had no choice but to stay and pray the Lord made a way. Sometimes I only ate once a day because that is all I had unless a friend would smuggle food out of the cafe for me.  One day I was in desperate need of money to buy books.  I had gone a long time without buying books. I did all I could by writing excellent notes, and borrowing from my friends.  It worked out because we were pretty much taking the same classes.  The problem came when I started taking classes for my major. Most of my friends were biology majors not English or education majors.  I  remember one time I was $40 dollars short of what I needed for a book. I was walking to my bible class. Usually at this time I was never alone.  There were always other students either going to, or coming from class.  This day I didn’t even notice I was alone. I saw something out of the corner of my eye blow across my feet.  I looked down to see 2 crisp $20 bills. You would think all of these miraclous miracles would be enough for me, but it wasn’t.

I started dating my husband in 1998. I had been in a year long relationship, and wasn’t really looking to be in another relationship.  I decided that I would spend that time getting to know the Lord better and focus on my school work.  I REALLY wasn’t checking for him!! He of  course has his version of the story that of course is a half truth, just in case it ever happens to come up in your conversation with him.  Really I wasn’t, but the Lord knew who I needed and when I would need it.  We dated for a while, and soon he became enthralled with my beauty and intellegence and couldn’t help himself. He proposed and I said yes!  The spring of 2000 I was taking 17 hours, working 2 jobs and surviving on the bear minimum. I am a worrier. I have been this way my whole life. If their is a problem, I will drive myself crazy wondering  the how, when and why. I need to find some way to fix it.  I worry about not being able to fix it. I worry about what will happen if it is not. I need to take care of it or nobody else will.  I worry about things that are clearly beyond my control. I hate to even depend on people because I feel I can do it all myself. It was no difference doing all I was doing, and trying to plan a wedding on a limited budget  for the date of August 13, 2000. I was doing a lot at the time. I even started working out.  I thought this was the reason I was so sore. I thought I was just really out of shape.  This went on for a couple of weeks until I came down with what I thought was the flu right before finals; the worst possible time.

I was in the hospital for almost 2 weeks before they finally diagnosed me with lupus. Up to this point I had never expirenced  any health issues this serious.  Here I was, flat on my back with no way of fixing anything; my health, school work, keeping my job, let alone planning a wedding.  Even though so many times GOD had made a way for me I still had to have my own back up plan just in case he decided he didn’t want to bless me. Though I had grown so much in my spiritual walk, I hadn’t totally surrendred to him, and still didn’t tottally trust him with my life.  It is crazy to look back now and not clearly see how many times the Lord had his hand on my life. I never noticed how GOD had snatched me from the web the devil thought he had me in. I mean he had set up things so perfectly to take me out even back then. I could be a drug addicted prostitute, locked up in jail, and could have died in my sin never knowing that GOD loved me so much!! The enime had fixed the deck to give me just the right amount of sadness, and to put the right people in my path  he thought he needed to excecute his plan. He even introduced me to a pimp and had him come over to my home, and made sure I was in his for a whole summer, yet he never propositioned me, or noticed the sadness in my eyes. Later I found out he had got a hold of one of the neighborhood girls who was also my friend.   We were both 10 at the time.  He probably was  betting that I would just give up, or blame GOD for my lupus diagnosis. He probably thought he had finally won, however, GOD used lupus to save my life!

Lupus is a debilitating disease. It slowly steals away everything you thought to be true. It steals your confidence, your independence, and everything you thought you had in a matter of weeks. I began to physically change.  I didn’t know who I was looking at in the mirror. My body would not listen to what I wanted it to do. Then I find out that lupus flares are related to stress.  This means, if  I worry to much, or try and do to much on my own I am in danger of having a lupus flare. Did you hear me? Me, the worrier , who always had a back up plan, who always was trying to find my own way out of situations and do things all on my own was now diagnosed with a chronic disease that has NO cure !! If I resorted to my comfort zone of doing what I needed to do and making my own plans regardless of what the Lord had in mind, was now in a situation where I had no choice but turn it ALL over to him. I had to trust him!!  I needed to learn that because he was planning to take me through some steep dark valleys, and if I didn’t learn to trust him tottally, I would have never made it out. I wouldn’t know he was a healer and a deliverer. I also wouldn’t know he had a way when I had none. I didn’t know that he would allow me to be his miracle. I also believe that if I had not been diagnosed so many years ago, in the spiritual state I was in, I wouldn’t have been ready for what he planned to do in my  life. Yes, lupus has taken so much from my life, and caused me so much pain, but I couldn’t say that if it did not happen I would have surrendered to him.  He had to strip me of all I knew. It wasn’t until then I was able to see clearly how he had his hand in every aspect of my life, holding back the devils snare. I could clearly see the times  he stepped in to let it not be. Yes, I continue to carry this burden for the past 14 years, but it does not equal what he sacraficed for me. I know he has always loved me, and even when I spit in his face, he doesn’t give up on me.  He did what he had to do to speak to me. He did what he had to do to save me.  I am now attentive, and forever grateful.

Brandi 🙂

 

 

 

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“Imagine Me”/”Flaws And All”

Scrolling down my Facebookwall today, I have seen the same picture over and over again.  It is a post baby pic of Kim Kardashin in an ill fitting white bathing suit. I know many of you have seen it as well because it seems every form of media has posted it or is talking about it.  While I admire how quickly she has been able to shed her baby weight and return to her beautiful curvy figure, I can’t help but think about the sabbatical we have had for the past 10-12 months not having to be bombarded by pics of her on  instagram in varying states of undress, and how much I have enjoyed it. She is a beautiful women but geesh! Scrolling further along, I see an article about a young girl that was found in the middle of her crowded high school cafeteria giving oral sex to another male student.  Though these articles would seem to be two unrelated stories, they sadly are very much the same.

I have to admit, throughout my childhood and my teens I didn’t love myself. I liked myself, but I didn’t love myself.  I had body issues, hair issues, daddy issues, clothes, money, boys; all the issues that come with growing up a little brown girl under the California sun.  I really didn’t learn to love myself until I was in college.  For the most part I was comparing myself to the other girls, (who probably had the same insecure issues I had) in my jr. high and high school. It wasn’t the Gwenyth Paltrow’s on the red carpet, or the stunning Beyonce’s entertaining the masses, or the Kim Kardashin’s in every magazine on every shelf in the grocery store check out line. Though  at the time I felt I could never have all the things my classmates possessed, everything they had, or looked like they had was some how obtainable even if I didn’t know that then.  Even in their school yard perfection they still had a zit or two, had lipstick on their teeth, or bad hair days every once in a while.  I was able to see that the “princess of the ball” was sometimes off her A game just like me.  Even though I didn’t love myself, I liked myself a whole bunch.  Liking myself filled in the gaps of my insecurities until I could learn to love who I was.

I think about my nieces and I know that already in their young lives they are already being indoctrinated about what is beautiful and what is not. Unlike me their young minds are already barraged by the flawless perfection of societies idea of beauty. Unlike me, they are not shown bad hair days, zits, or any form of imperfections. All they see are impeccable photos that have been doctored beyond recognition, or the glamorous life of celebrities that is idolized on tv or social media.  It makes me wonder will they ever learn to love themselves.  Will they ever learn to even like themselves?  Will they constantly compare their self worth to an unattainable apparition that doesn’t exist. I pray when they realize that they can’t attain this false perfection they see around them, they don’t look for it, crave it, from other means. I pray they don’t look for that love from a bottle or a drugs altering haze. I pray they don’t look for it in a boy, whose love is conditioned on what she can do for him.  I pray they don’t look for it in an addicted obsession of body dismorphia.  I pray they don’t seek attention using their body as currency. I pray they grow to love themselves and all their imperfections because they are unique, special, wonderful individuals who are carefully and wonderfully made by a perfect all loving GOD.  I want them to grow to love those things that make them different.  I want them to know they are very extraordinary girls and they are loved, because there are so many little girls who have never heard this, and so many women who have yet to believe it. By birthright, you have always been “the princess of the ball”!!

Brandi 🙂

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“Three Times A Lady” (Happy Birthday To You!!!)


Today she would have been 81. It doesn’t seem like it has been a whole year since I saw her last.  We threw her  a grand surprise party, and I will have memories of it…of her, for the rest of my life.  For some reason I thought she would live forever.  She was 80 years young, and even sick she could run circles around me.  She had a quick wit, and a come back for everything. She was hilarious too!! I will never forget the conversation about “German Shepard Cake”, or my mom having a “Blue Bird” phone.  I remember a conversation she and I had just a week or so before she passed.  My mom is often hard to get a hold of.  I would call and leave messages and sometimes won’t hear from her until 2 weeks later.  She was having the same problem.  She said she was going to have someone call her and tell her that she missed her funeral.  She was the best with the dry sarcastic humor.

Vegas was her playground. She could hang with the best.  It seemed like she turned into the Energizer Bunny. She didn’t need a reason to go, and turned every holiday into a Vegas Holiday.  If it wasn’t Vegas, it was a Morango holiday.  You wouldn’t even know she was gone until she would roll into the house early in the morning.

She loved her family very much!! Though she may not have said it, her actions showed it.  She left behind a legacy, 4 daughters,  26 grand children, 40 great grandchildren and one great great grandchildren.  She will be missed but never forgotten. Happy Birthday Grandma Constance!!! Can’t wait to see you at the SAVIOR’S feet.  Oh what a reunion that will be!!!

One Great Day

Yet we must not forget
we believe in an everlasting hope.
One that conquers all pain,
And heals all wounds.
He raised Lazarus from the dead
And himself from the tomb.
With all power he rose again,
Proclaiming his promise of return.

Oh will you be ready,
When he returns and cracks the sky,
When demons are stifled and death itself will die?
Where hurts will be forgotten
And disappointments will be no more.
Loved one’s will be reunited
Some day on that distant shore.
His promises will all be reviled,
No more sorrow, loss, no more worry or pain,
With a loud cry,
The dead in Christ will rise
And the rest will meet them in the sky.

Oh what a joyous day,
When we all see him face to face.
Yes, we have hope to see our loved one’s again,
On that earth made new time will never end.

Until then I am getting ready,
For that wonderful place beyond the sky,
When years are but an instance,
With him forever we will abide
His grace was sufficient,

His promises were true
His glories I see,
His mercies anew.
One day we will all be with him
Oh what a reunion that will be“When we all get to heaven ,
We will sing and shout the victory”.

-Brandi Watts

Copyright © 2012, All rights reserved by author

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Constance Marie Clark-Daniels-Clemons

April 29, 1931-September 24, 2011

“If You Can Use Anything Lord You Can Use Me”

Clip art licensed from the Clip Art Gallery on DiscoverySchool.com

It has been a while since I have written a blog entry.  I have been trying to convience myself that I didn’t have anything to say, when I have had so much to say.  My aunt passed away last month. Yes, death has shown up on our families door step again.  I wasn’t able to go the funeral due to my recent surgery, so I really haven’t fully grieved yet.  I was sitting alone in my room this morning and  I actually  heard myself say I need to call Aunt Jackie and see how she is doing.   I had forgotten that she had passed away.  My eye’s began to well up when I realized I wouldn’t be able to call her ever again.  A week before she died I finally erased all the messages she left on my phone.  I didn’t know that would be the last time I ever would hear her voice again.

Sometimes I hate writing because it forces me to feel when I don’t always want to feel.  Sometimes living so far from my family (I am in Alabama and the rest of my family lives in California) in away shelters me from a lot.  It is kind of out of sight, out of mind.  The only time I am real with myself is when I write.  This is why it took forever for me to finally sit down and write about having lupus.  I hated being sick, and watching how this illness was slowly but surely taking my life away from me.   Talking or writing about being sick, while I was acutually sick didn’t make me feel any better.  Truthfully I ran from it.  I guess I felt Lupus didn’t deserve my attention because of what it had done to me. Maybe If I would have been brave enough, you probably would have seen me on the shelves at Barne’s & Nobles by now.

I thank GOD, even though I don’t always use it, for an avenue where my voice my ideas, experiences and feelings can be shared with others. I am often told how my blog has helped so many people. The truth is, it has helped me just as much.  I pray that my words will be able to reach who he feels needs to hear it, at the time they need to hear it.  I ran away from it long enough.  I am learning to do better. Lord use me as you will.

Stay tuned.

Brandi 🙂

“Back In the Day When I Was Young I’m Not A Kid Anymore But Somedays I Sit And Wish I Was A Kid Again”

Facebook brought back the nostalgia of my childhood with the recent,”You know you attended if”, or “You know your from” threads.  I have to admit I have been frequenting the “You know you attended Oakwood College/University if,” and you know your from Rubidoux if” pages.  It has brought back so many memories and many laughs and smiles.

One of the things I have noticed in frequenting these pages is how simple my life growing up was, and how times have truly changed.  Today we were in the car talking with our children.  The expressed they didn’t want to go to a certain persons house because it was boring and they didn’t have anything to do.  We responded by telling them to go outside and play.  They answered saying that didn’t have anything to play with.  WHAT!! I remember my sisters  and I were sent outside and we always found things to do.  We didn’t have all kinds of toys, and the bike we did have was an old bike pieced together and painted.  We never ran out of things to do.  My kids go outside for 5 min and come back in talking about it is to hot and they don’t have anything to do.  I can remember playing outside in the California sun, heat alerts, smog and pollution and not going inside until the street lights came on and was mad we couldn’t stay out longer.  I wasn’t running in the house every five minutes to get a drink of water.  We drank it out of the water hose.   We were lucky if we had a ball. We didn’t need all kinds of gadgets and toys.  We had our imagination to play with!

Isn’t it crazy how much we can live with  and become dependent on?  If I leave my cell phone at home I feel like I walked outside naked!!  I never realized as a child that we were ever missing out on anything.  Yes we had dreams of having the newest toys but we were grateful with what we had.  Every Saturday after church we would go to the nursing home and sing to the patients.  I can still see the smiles on their elder faces.  Sometimes we were their only visitors and they always looked forward to visits.  That is how we learned and fell in love with hymns.  On Sundays we were putting together bags of clothes or making plates or  food baskets for needy families.  For Christmas we spent more time writing a list (especially my sister Quiana who lives for writing  lists 🙂 ), about what we were getting for others rather than what we wanted ourselves. Those shopping trips were the highlight of our Christmas season.

A couple of months ago I went back to California for my grandmother’s 80th birthday.  While there I was able to reminisce about my old stomping grounds.  So much has changed yet so much had stayed the same.  It is crazy how much smaller the neighborhood looked then when I was younger.  I remember how everyone looked out for me because ” I was one of the Delbert’s grandkids” or “Denise’s daughters”.  When we would walk to or from school, “Ned the Wino” through slurred speech and a drunken stager, or “Tyrone Biggums” fresh off a hit would wave hello everyday and make sure no one messed with us.  I couldn’t imagine my children walking through a soul train line of alcoholics and crack heads, but we did it everyday.  Crackhood watch was on patrol everyday, rain or shine!!

Boy, it is crazy to think about how so much has changed. Rubidoux may not have been the best place to grow up, and I may have ran out of there as soon as I could, but I wouldn’t be the person I am without it. I can’t help it.  The “dust bowl” will always be a part of me.

Brandi  🙂 I could really eat some Donahoo’s  Chicken, some Tina’s and a grinder from Delia’s right now!!

 

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“Friends…How many of us have them?”

I just love my friends. Not just any old friends. I am talking about those good friends who can complete your sentences. Those friends who will tell you your breath stinks or your breast are hanging out your shirt. Lol.  Those friends who you may not talk to all the time due to life getting in the way, but some how you pick up right where you left off. Those are the friends I am talking about.  If you don’t have any of these type friends you need to find one or two.  I can be my total self around them without feeling  judged.  If I do something wrong they are quick to correct me and call me out on my mess.  I don’t need to put on an act because they know me. They have been with me through the trials and the smiles.  They are always there when I need them. I am so thankful to have them in my life.

First there is my best friend Jeanine.  We have been best friends for at least 20 years.  We have told each other secrets, shared crushes over the cute guys and shared many memories together, good and bad.  It was only the two of us until Shalotta came along; my other bestie. I was 5’3 and she was about 6’0. Just imagine what we looked like walking together.  She did our hair so we wouldn’t look a hot mess on those “road trips to L.A. Do you remember those?!?  We would watch Color Purple faithfully and the three of us would act out every scene playing numerous people at one time! Man we had no lives back then did we? Should I even think about the “music video” we made. I hope someone has burnt that thing and then grind it to a pulp! LOL!

In highschool I became part of the “biddy crew” which consisted of Brandi, Cindy and Tricia!! Why did we act so old in highschool.  I am sure we missed out on stuff  but for some reason I don’t think we cared.  I don’t think we were just so mature than anybody else. I think we were loners who liked being alone and didn’t give a care what the “other” people were doing. We kept our selves busy with daily “biddy crew” meetings everyday at lunch in Mr. Mcferren’s class or Ms. Mendoza’s. We were such nerds. It’s been years since highschool but every time we talk it’s like we are those same three girls from highschool laughing and joking like not a day has passed.

I am so grateful for my friends. Whenever I  need anything they are right there.  When I need an encouraging word or a good laugh out of the blue one of them will call me at just the right time.  There is nothing  like good friends to warm your soul.  Long lasting friends are sometimes hard to come by so I am so thankful for each one of you.  You each have impacted my life in a positive way. I hope I have been the same for you. Lets continue to share more laughs and good times.

Last but not least there is my husband Cornell.  The lord knew exactly what he was doing when he brought him into my life.  We can never quite agree on the story of how we met but nonetheless both stories are pretty good though Cornell’s is slightly inaccurate.  He has been there for me each step of the way.  When I couldn’t do a thing for myself he was there holding my hand. Cornell I love you. Those three words jus can’t convey how I feel.  I thank God for your love and enduring friendship.

No distance of place or lapse of time can lessen the friendship of those who are thoroughly persuaded of each other’s worth.
Robert Southey

 

Brandi

P.s. Cindy and Tricia I guess I forgive you now. LOL!!!!