“Jesus Take The Wheel!”

Yesterday, I posted on Facebook that lupus was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Many people didn’t understand how such a horrible disease could  be the best thing that could ever happen . Even my husband looked at me crazy after reading it. It was not a typo! It is absolutely the truth!!

Recently I was talking to a friend that has been in a valley for some time now.  I was sharing with her how GOD allowed me to reach the lowest point in my life so I would let go and totally depend on him. For many years he let me do things my way.  He allowed me to pray to him and ask him to fix problems in my life while not truly believing that he would do it. I had plan A & B covered, and GOD was my plan C. How many of us pray to GOD to fix certain things in our lives, yet we don’t believe that he can do it, so we try to do things our way? I know I have. Despite the many times that I mocked GOD in prayer, disrespected him and spit in his face while telling him what I was going to do, he still loved me. Even in my sin he still loved me! While I smiled and worshiped him in public, I denied him in my heart in private!! Yet, he loved me so much he used lupus to save my life!!

I have an issue with control. I love it and want more of it. I have an issue with trust. It is rarely given, and quickly can be snatched away. The Lord know’s I struggle with both of these. My issues with trust and control were hampering my relationship with him.  I had built my wall up so strong and high that I wasn’t even letting the Lord through it!! He not only broke my walls down, he bulldozed that baby!! He took ALL control from me. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom by myself. I had to depend on strangers to clean me up afterwards. I had to trust that they  would take care of me. My most intimate moments, and basic private human functions had to be attended to by others. There was absolutely nothing under my control. I was flat on my back, and couldn’t do anything but look up.  That is where I found GOD’s love.

Why did it take lupus for me to learn my lesson? Why couldn’t I just surrender all on my own?  I would have saved myself so much time, heartache and pain if I would have let it all go and believe GOD would take care of me. Would I be the person I am today.?Here I am with a chronic disease that has no cure. If I worry or become stressed about anything, I will have a flare up. I live with chronic pain everyday for the past 14 years. There are days I can barely get out of the bed. This has forced me to learn  how  to ask for help. I can’t even  attempt to try to do it all; my body won’t allow me to!

Wow! What a crazy faith walk it has been over the past 14 years. I have seen the Lord perform so many miracles in my life. Things have not come together by luck or happenstance. It was the hand of GOD moving in my life. I have been in the hospital room when the doctors come in,with their faces drawn trying to explain to me that my  tests, and kidney function isn’t looking to good, then come back a few days later to be told that my kidney prognosis is great!! I have seen how the Lord helped the doctors to diagnosis me with lupus within 2 weeks while many other lupies take years and years to get a diagnosis. I have seen the Lord move when I got pregnant after the doctor told me I would never be able to have children due to the chemo making me infertile. I have seen the Lord shut down the words of the first obstetrician I went to when he told me that I would be horribly sick during my pregnancy and my son, if he survived, would be the sickest baby in the nursery. He told me to get an abortion. He then told me I was young and could have more children later. Eight months later, my son was born premature, but with absolutely no health issues!! While pregnant I was the healthiest I had ever been. My kidneys even healed themselves despite having to do the work for two!!  These and many more miracles have truly strengthen my faith. I know longer worry about what tomorrow brings, because I know GOD has already taken care of it.  I checked my account this morning and  my balance will not cover the rest of my bills for the month, but I am not worried at all. Our car is broken down right now, but I am not worried one bit!! He has promised me he would supply all my needs, and he hasn’t failed me yet!

I don’t know GOD’s plans for my future. I don’t know if it is his will to be totally healed, or if this will just be something I have to live with for the rest of my life.  2 Corinthians 12:8-9 says,

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

It wasn’t until I lost all control that I was able to experience GOD’s mighty power! Yes it is sometimes a rough road to travel,  and some days are hard to endure. Yes, frustration exists, and many tears are shed, but I will continue to give him the praise regardless of what may come my way!!!   Through it all, lupus ABSOLUTELY was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am a walking testimony!! GOD’s GRACE IS SUFFICIENT!!!

Brandi 🙂

 

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“I Will Survive…I’ve got all my life to live!”

Today wasn’t a good day. I woke up with another cold (number 5 so far this year). Because of my anti-rejection drugs I have a decreased immune system.  Every time I get sick it sends my body into a tail spin. I peeled myself out of the bed this morning.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to the days where a cold was just a cold and nothing else.  It is so frustrating!!!  It has been 14 years living with this life altering disease and it never gives me a day off; no weekends or holidays. I live with chronic pain 24 hours a day.  I have become accustomed to it. It is like a house guest that refuses to leave. Most people would never know what I go through day to day unless I told them.  I have learned to put a smile on my face and keep it moving.  There is no need to dwell on what is, if there is nothing you can do about it. Don’t get me wrong. There are days when it is just too much.There are days when I ask God why? There are days when I am angry that I can’t do what I want to. There are days I am angry that people don’t understand my limitations or my pain. Sometimes I am pleading God to give me just one day to be who I think I am in my head.

I have learned it is ok to be upset or angry in the valley.  It is suppose to be uncomfortable.  I am  not suppose to like it.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes I will be sad, and wonder if I will every have a reason to smile.  If I never had valley moments I would never appreciate the good times. I would never be grateful for my good days if I never had a bad one. I would never know that GOD is a healer and a refuge in my time of trouble. Yes, I woke up in pain, but I WOKE UP. Someone else lived their last day.God is so good that even when I lose, I win! He has already given me what I need to make it through the day. Some how I have been given a strength I never new I had.  It is nothing I could have done on my own. It is all God. What I lack he fills in the gap, and renews my strength. He is the reason I can keep going. Though it may not always seem like it, God has already given me what I need to be VICTORIOUS!!

“Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

his understanding is unsearchable.

 He gives power to the faint,

and to him who has no might he increases strength.

 Even youths shall faint and be weary,

and young men shall fall exhausted;

 but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

they shall walk and not faint.”

-Isaiah 40:28-31

“But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
    he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
    I have called you by name, you are mine.
 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
    and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
    and the flame shall not consume you.
 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour.”

-Isaiah 43:1-3

Brandi 🙂

Recently I gave Shared my testimony for “They Overcame By”. Watch and be encouraged.

“Free Falling”/”Dr. Feel Good”

Image Detail  Twelve years later you think I would know my limitations when it comes to lupus.  I spent a good portion of yesterday soaking up ultra violet rays.  Because it was a good reason I am not kicking myself today despite spending most of the day in the bed.  My sister-in-law just celebrated her 40th birthday.  The festivities were concluded yesterday with a surprise.  She went skydiving!!!!  I won’t ever be able to do anything remotely like that because of my blood pressure, but even if that wasn’t an issue for me I am sure my heart would jump out the plane before I did!!!  Watching her was worth the extra “rest” I received today.  I will just live through her jump!! That’s about how close I will come to doing it myself!!!

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I have been doing something the past 2 months that I haven’t really talked about here.  I have started to go to the chiropractor.   We had inquired about it in ’09 but decided against it at the time.  We returned this year to find our bodies at seriously deteriorate since then.  We took x-rays of our spines and reviewed them with Dr. O (our chiropractor).  In that time the lower part of my spine began to bow out and was showing beginning signs of scoliosis.  The nerves in that part of my spine controls my sex organs such as my uterus and ovaries. Since ’09 and this year I have had my uterus removed, found out I have endometriosis that can not be treated, and also had an ovary removed.  I keep thinking that if we had decided to continue care in ’09 I wouldn’t have had to deal with these issues and the surgeries that I have.

When we first started chiropractic care, I was still on my cane from the hip replacement ( I talk about it in my blog entry entitled “A day in the life…With My Super Cane” https://lupieloop.wordpress.com/2011/04/17/a-day-in-the-life/).  I just couldn’t get rid of that thing.  I had been using the cane since March 2011, and was becoming very frustrated with the fact that I was still using it.  More than anything, this was the real reason I wanted to go to the chiropractor.  I began to feel like I would  always have to use the cane and I wasn’t comfortable with that.  After three adjustments I was off my cane!!! Even though I have bad days due to the lupus, I have had a good share of “more than good” days.  Some do not believe in chiropractic car, even friends of mine that are doctors.  All I know is It has helped me tremendously!!  All I can go on is how it has improved my quality of life.  Since I am the expert on my body that is all that counts!!

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“I Get So Weak”

Hey guys! It has been a minute since I have posted a new blog. I hope you are keeping cool in this blistering heat!  I have been trying though I am not always successful.

In the past weeks I have still  been trying to  rehabilitate this “new hip”.  My therapist feels that I am doing very well considering having my leg hacked into so many times.  I still have considerable weakness and it is taking longer than I expected for it to get back into working order which has been VERY frustrating for me.  I need to get this weight off that I have gained from those immobile and barely mobile months. Due to the weakness and the fatigue I have been experiencing my excercise plan has remained in the planning stage.  I have maybe two more physical therapy sessions scheduled and that will probably will be it.  I have to find a replacement to keep me active and work on improving my hip.  Water aerobics is the idle transition but I haven’t found one in the city that I could attend weekly that my wallet likes. The Lord knows what I need and he will provide.

Fellow Lupies, try to stay out the sun and don’t forget sun screen. UV rays  ( inside or outside exposure) are no fun neither are flare ups so protect yourself as much as you can.

Brandi  🙂

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A Pitiful Case of the Pits!

Sun and Moon clip art

Sometimes having lupus is the pits!! Lately I have been dealing with  sun-sensitivity, a horrible case of restlessness/agitation and daily bouts with insomnia.  I keep telling myself I have been through worse but it still hasn’t changed my mind about the fact that, sometimes having lupus is the pits.  I am very agitated  about being agitated, to sensitive for my sun-sensitivity and  to sleepy to do anything about it!!

Lately the sun and I have not been getting along.  Even a few minutes in the sun and I feel like I have a sun burn with horrible fatigue and joint pain.  I have always known about sun-sensitivity and lupus but I never had any problems until this year.  I think I am making up for lost time or something. The WRATH is upon me!! Most days I am held hostage in this house trying to duck and dodge any kind of sunlight, which adds to my frustration dealing with the restlessness and agitation because I am stuck in this house.

So now it is 10:00pm. I just finished pacing the hallway for the 10th time tonight. It is going to be a long night. Of course I am not sleepy. I am wide awake, restless, agitated with a sunburn that doesn’t exist. Yes, sometimes lupus is the pits!!

 

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