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“If You Can Use Anything Lord You Can Use Me”

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It has been a while since I have written a blog entry.  I have been trying to convience myself that I didn’t have anything to say, when I have had so much to say.  My aunt passed away last month. Yes, death has shown up on our families door step again.  I wasn’t able to go the funeral due to my recent surgery, so I really haven’t fully grieved yet.  I was sitting alone in my room this morning and  I actually  heard myself say I need to call Aunt Jackie and see how she is doing.   I had forgotten that she had passed away.  My eye’s began to well up when I realized I wouldn’t be able to call her ever again.  A week before she died I finally erased all the messages she left on my phone.  I didn’t know that would be the last time I ever would hear her voice again.

Sometimes I hate writing because it forces me to feel when I don’t always want to feel.  Sometimes living so far from my family (I am in Alabama and the rest of my family lives in California) in away shelters me from a lot.  It is kind of out of sight, out of mind.  The only time I am real with myself is when I write.  This is why it took forever for me to finally sit down and write about having lupus.  I hated being sick, and watching how this illness was slowly but surely taking my life away from me.   Talking or writing about being sick, while I was acutually sick didn’t make me feel any better.  Truthfully I ran from it.  I guess I felt Lupus didn’t deserve my attention because of what it had done to me. Maybe If I would have been brave enough, you probably would have seen me on the shelves at Barne’s & Nobles by now.

I thank GOD, even though I don’t always use it, for an avenue where my voice my ideas, experiences and feelings can be shared with others. I am often told how my blog has helped so many people. The truth is, it has helped me just as much.  I pray that my words will be able to reach who he feels needs to hear it, at the time they need to hear it.  I ran away from it long enough.  I am learning to do better. Lord use me as you will.

Stay tuned.

Brandi 🙂

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