A couple of days ago, (New Years Eve) my husband and I celebrated our 11 anniversary. We had a very interesting conversation over dinner at our favorite mexican restaurant. Some how our conversation turned to me growing up without a father. He told me he couldn’t comprehend not having a father, and how or what my feelings were when I was around my friends that did have their father in their lives. I answered that I didn’t think anything about it. I thought about the saying, “You don’t miss what you never had”. Thinking about it now, I did miss out, and it has affected me even though I didn’t realize that it had.
I would be lying if I said I had NO feelings at all about not having my father in my life. I have memories of being upset that my father had another family, with kids that he saw and took care of everyday, yet he wasn’t doing the same for me. My home life wasn’t always the best. Sometimes I would think about what it would be like to be rescued from the hell I was living in. Other than these occasional thoughts I had no thoughts about my dad. He wasn’t apart of my day-to-day activities. I wasn’t the only child to not have a father in their life.
There are many opinions on women who didn’t have their father in there lives. What you hear coming up every time is of them having “daddy issues”. After having that conversation with my husband, I began to think what were “my issues”. I would definitely without a doubt say that my biggest issue was trust.
I had serious issues with trusting men. When I think back on my relationships, I realize that I didn’t trust them at all. I wasn’t one of those girls that held so tight that I didn’t allow them to spend time with their friends, male or female. It was more like I didn’t trust them with my emotions. I didn’t want them to see me vulnerable. I didn’t trust anyone with my emotions. It was always in the back of my mind that I had to keep my feelings and emotions barricaded so I wouldn’t be hurt. I didn’t want to give them my heart for them to turn around and break it. I was waiting for them to lie, cheat, or walk out. To me all men lied, cheated were untrustworthy and didn’t stick around. I was in control of my emotions and I didn’t want to give up my control over them and be disappointed or hurt. It didn’t help that some of them cheated on me. That just validated how I felt. I didn’t have dreams of “Prince Charming” on a white horse whisking me away to my Cinderella, Snow White, Disney fairy tale. I didn’t have examples of happy marriages or what a fathers role was our how they should be. I wasn’t told how a man should treat you. My reality was that men were good for nothing. I saw my mom work herself ragged while her “man” lived off of her, didn’t respect her, and treated her like trash. He treated us the same. I knew what I didn’t want, but was too guarded to experience it. It wasn’t until after my last relationship before I met my husband that I prayed for GOD to heal me. If I hadn’t been receptive and willing to change I would have missed out on the wonderful blessing GOD had in store for me. It was then I forgave my father. I decided that regardless of what happened, or didn’t happen in my childhood regarding my father was the past. We couldn’t get those years back. I had forgiven him for not being present. The only thing we could do was start from scratch, and that is what we did. Me and my dad have a great relationship now, and though I didn’t ask for an apology, he gave me one. He told me that the worst thing he ever did was to not be a father to me when I was younger.
It wasn’t just forgiving my father that healed me, but also the love of my husband. He was the first man to show me how a man should treat a women. I felt safe for the first time in my life. I knew he would protect me at all costs, and that my love, feelings, dreams, aspirations and emotions were safe with him. For the first time I could be myself good or bad, and I knew he would still love me. He didn’t just want me for my body, or what I could give to him. I learned from him how to love. He wanted me for me. He made me feel wanted, and desired. He is the best example of what a husband should be. I thank GOD my children won’t ever have to go through what I went through. They have the best example of a man and father. I praise GOD for that! The cycle has been broken.