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“It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye”

Written Oct. 11. 2011

Grandma passed away last week so all of the aunts are starting to go through her things to decide who wants what or where such and such will go.  As I look around I notice a lifetime of belongings.  You can learn so much from someone’s things.  I have known Grandma for almost 33 years yet I have found out things I have never known about my grams by just looking at her stuff.  When I say stuff, I mean a LOT of stuff.  I was looking through her hope chest trying to find family pictures and found her elementary school work form when she was learning how to write sentences. THAT SCHOOL WORK WAS OVER 70 YEARS OLD!!!! I was scared to touch it fearing it would disintegrate in my hands!!  What I also found was that she really loves her family.  Grams wasn’t the touchy feely type. Like my cousin Josh said at the funeral. Grandma didn’t always show her love by hugging and kissing us. She showed it in other way’s like his example of “Go in that kitchen and get you some food.” Lol! That was my Grandmother.  When you look back on it you realize that she loved us all so much.  Who else would pay you 5 times what you were really due to pick weeds or water plants on the patio.  Only Grandma Constance.  Also by going through her things I realized she held on to so many mementos of her mother, her uncle,  and my grandfathers, who have all passed away.  At first I didn’t understand it, but now I think I know why. It helps to keep the memories some how in your grasp so that you never will forget. I get it.

This has been a hard trip back home.  I always come home knowing that I am going to go by and see her.  I have been here for almost 2 weeks and haven’t heard her voice telling me there is food in there.  It all seems very weird. It’s like she is out-of-town.  I can’t get my mind to realize that she’s gone.  I went to her funeral. (Might I add the shortest funeral in all of history.  She never liked long church services, “with all of that singing!”)  She looked great by the way. Only thing was the mortuary made her smile to big! Lol!… I saw her in that casket.  I heard the eulogy, so I know that it happened.  I guess my heart won’t let me believe it.

My sister and my niece lived with Grandma the past few years.  Every time she would get mad at her mom she would run in the room and tell Grandma.  She did it a few times since she has died.  She say’s at the oddest times that “Grandma Constance is in the hospital and she died.”  She is only 3 so I know she doesn’t know the finality of death.  It’s like she know’s Grandma is not home now, but at some point she will be in her room for her to tell all that has been going on.  That’s about how I feel.  I can’t comprehend the finality of it.  I can’t comprehend that we will never see each other again…on this earth.  I know that we will someday be reunited in heaven, but the sting is still there.  The pain and the tears are still there.  The statement of “Why are you crying? You will see each other again.”, sometimes is not so comforting.  I know this, yet my heart hurts, my tears flow and the pain has not yet subsided.  I’m sure the day will come when the pain doesn’t cut so deep, but I am not there yet.  I really miss my Grandma!

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